When Hope Feels Hard

a way to move out from under the cloud...

It’s amazing to me the propensity we have as human beings to fall away from God and then blame Him for the distance.

As I look back over my life, I see all the times I’ve felt far from Him with some measure of clarity in hindsight. I used to wonder why He turned His back but when I look now with honest eyes I see that it was me who had started to shy away. Whether because of shame, feelings of unworthiness, pride or a stubborn insistence on self-sufficiency - all my ways of turning away were really ways of turning inward.

Because pride AND shame really are both just ways that we put ourselves above our Creator. Pride and shame are both examples of My Truth over The Truth.

Pride might put it something like this,
“My way is better than God’s way.”
”My way makes more sense to me.”
“This feels good so this is what I will do.”

While shame might say,
“No matter what God says, I am not worthy.”
”My Creator might say I am good, but only I know me well enough to know that I am not.”
”He cannot possibly fix me or my life.”

Do you see all of the I’s and me’s and my’s? Whether we have a propensity for pride or a propensity for shame, both ways make it all about us and “our truth.” We make it all about our own opinions. And in so many ways, this hinders us. We stop depending on God for truth and instead lean on our own understanding. In doing this, we strip life of wonder and instead douse our days with worry.

These last couple of months, I’ve felt a cloud lifting. I can’t be sure if its because the cloud of the pandemic seems to finally be lifting off of the Pacific Northwest, or if it’s because I am finally holding my sweet, chunky baby in my arms after months and months of waiting to find out whether or not he would actually be okay. But, whatever it is, as I look back over the last couple of years, I can see all the ways I’ve been slowly starting to look inward again, instead of upward.

Now, I haven’t failed entirely. If you look closely, you would find a fair amount of peace in my life despite the chaos surrounding our family the last two and a half tumultuous years. We are two and a half years out from almost losing our now two-and-a-half year old to RSV. We are two-and-not-quite-a-half-years out from when the C word shut down our entire state for what felt like forever. We are just over a year out from our last miscarriage. And we are just a little further out than that from the day the doctors told me I should get a procedure done to remove the “leftovers” from my miscarriage… the “leftovers” that I knew in my heart was a very NEW and living life.

(That baby is now a happy, chubby 4 months old baby boy, by the way. If you’re interested, you can listen to the entire unreal story on my Youtube channel. Here’s part 1! )

As I look back over the last two years I can see the ways that my heart tried to survive. The way that I added back a few burdensome layers that Jesus had so graciously removed years before.

Layers that looked like lowering expectations so my heart didn’t break from possible disappointment. Layers that looked like not trying or wanting or dreaming too hard because I was so afraid of hope deferred.

I didn’t realize I was doing it at the time, probably because curling into a ball of self-preservation comes naturally to me. But as I’ve started to unfurl and stretch into the space of possibility, I am starting to set it all at God’s feet and am realizing just how heavy my armor has been.

This week, I’ve been praying more than I have in years. Praying as I breathe, like I used to. In conversation with a God I am working to trust again, though my heart knows just how trustworthy He is, it’s my brain that needs some convincing.

He’s shown up in little and big ways this month already and I’ll be sharing some of these ways in my next post (make sure you click subscribe at the bottom of this page so you don’t miss it). But, first, let me share one more truth that you should know.

If you have been battling your own cloud, if you’ve been barely hanging onto hope, if you feel scared of celebrating…

It’s okay.

It’s okay if you’ve been facing hard days with a hard shell. It’s okay if your best in this season didn’t look like your best in others. It’s okay if you feel like you lost your footing.

Do you know why it’s okay?

Because God says.

He says He will never abandon you. He will never forsake you. And He will forgive you anytime you are ready to admit that His truth matters more to you than your own.

No one is immune to this JOURNEY of faith. It’s not a straight shot to holiness. Our lives will have ups and downs and our relationship with God will have times that feel a little doomery and gloomery than others. None of this is because of Him but because - hello - half of the relationship is human! And it’s okay. He knows you’re human. He made you that way.

What matters isn’t how you dealt with life’s blows in the past. What matters is what you are going to do with what you KNOW to be true now.

God’s promises say…
”You are chosen.”
”You are protected.”
”You are brave.”
”You are called.”

Think on this… I wrote an entire book about knowing these truths - an entire BOOK about knowing I was made for brave - and this is still the thing that I find myself needing to overcome again and again. The only thing that allows for room for repeated mistakes of this magnitude…? Not my goodness, just His GRACE.

And His unending grace… my friend, it will work for you too.

The only way we can continue to move out from under this cloud, the only way we can find the hope to be a light and move forward is by putting our complete trust in the One who made us.

The One who says that as long as you’re still breathing, He’s got life-changing truths to teach you and incredibly good things for you (and me) to do.

Let’s stay brave together, my friend. We were made for such a time as this.

Wanted to share a few pictures of small moments that brought me joy. A couple of mini miracles in the mundane that are helping to bolster my sails with hope again… Can you share in the comments a mini miracle you’ve bore witness to this week? A thought you had while reading this post? I love hearing from you!

Jay and Baby Cayson stealing mama’s heart.

Our first time out to dinner as a family of six!

Our four-year-old’s long time dream come true - on her first horse ride!

Taytum enjoying watermelon on a stick in a shirt which reads “Family is Forever” that’s been through all three of my girls. Austyn wore this just after we lost her dad when I struggled to imagine our family would ever feel safe or okay again… *insert happy/sad/bittersweet bawling face*