You'll Know In Your Bones (+ an invite...)

when you can't stand it any longer

I used to think God’s miracles were just Him. Like we didn’t have a say as to whether or not they happened for us. Everything depended on whether or not God decided you ended up within His good graces.

As a teenager, I would read about these things in the Bible - Jesus healing lepers, raising life for a widow, making a blind man see - and think, “I wonder if God would do these kinds of things for me.” Back then though - I wasn’t an outcast, I didn’t know death, and I could clearly see.

Fast forward a decade or so and I found myself in need of saving, in need of a real miracle, wanting so desperately for grace.

In college, I lost my health to an autoimmune disease and I became the leper held at arms length by my peers…

By 26 years old, I had lost a baby to miscarriage, then my young husband to cancer, and I became the widow begging God for reprieve…

As the darkness closed in all around me, I became the blind man fumbling around in the pitch black of a distant land…

I spent these last couple of months thinking a lot about my mid-twenties and the years of pain, loss and blindness… more specifically, thinking about what finally got me “out.”

Because, for the last couple of years here now, another decade later, I’ve felt some of my resolve whither. The miracles that brought me out began fading into the cloud that enveloped my current reality.

It felt like wave after wave kept hitting me when I was down.

It was the multiple miscarriages then a baby born healthy… who ten days later was rushed to the NICU.

It was the goodbyes whispered to both of my grandfathers and the no visitor rules at the hospitals.

It was the inability to concentrate when some of the things that I did as a working mom of two didn’t work as a working, pregnant mother of three.

I would smile and do my best each day because I knew the world needed hope and I felt like everyone was hanging on by a thread anyway, but inside my mind raced.

I even fell behind on the things that I knew did work because honestly trying just felt too hard.

Have you had these seasons of hurt?

I’d been down and out before - but I’d had a “real” reason and a heck of a lot of loss. This time around… the darkness felt unwarranted. I had everything I needed. Yes, I was facing new difficulties, but weren’t these the things EVERYONE was facing?

Didn’t everyone lose someone the last couple of years?
Hasn’t everyone experienced some sort of medical anomaly?
Doesn’t everyone feel deep darkness when friends don’t make mask-less plans for months?

I don’t know the exact answer, but I do know I got to a place where I knew I needed to make a change. Where the hurt and the thoughts felt so insurmountable that there was no longer an option to stay the same.

It couldn’t get worse than this.

“Feelings aren’t real.”

“Feelings are something you are supposed to be able to choose.”

Then why did mine seem catastrophic? Why did mine feel forced on me?

It wasn’t easy to talk about at first. But I did start talking. First to my husband, then to some family, and finally to my doctor.

Dealing with PTSD is one thing. Dealing with postpartum depression is another. Dealing with loss on top of it all - during a pandemic was…

well, let me tell you what it was…

It was TOO MUCH.

And, what got me out last time?

It was first SURRENDER.
And then action.

It was partnering with God to let the miracles happen. He can do anything, to be sure, but often He does only what we invite Him and allow Him to do.

I drew a line in the sand a few months back and re-surrendered. I prayed for His help and for miracles to come in unexpected ways. I didn’t wait for a transformation. I started transforming. At first, simply by talking. I had to get the truth into the light. Because the discomfort had felt so great, I couldn’t stay the same.

I wish I could have started talking sooner. But, each of us can only do our best in any given moment. All I know is when I knew deep down in my bones that I couldn’t stand it any longer, changing something (anything!) became more important than almost anything else.

If you’re in a tough spot, don’t give up. If there are clouds overhead and you’re afraid they will never part - keep looking for the sun.

I promise - even if it feels like you’ll never be able to speak about it, even if it feels like you’ll never be able to get out from under it - HOPE. WILL. COME.

You will know it’s time to leave, even if you don’t know where you are going.

You will know it’s time to start, even if you don’t know the first step.

Now, looking back… I think I had to go through the hard, dark, recent parts - so that I could walk out of the dense thick of it and turn around and yell back to anyone still in the hard place…

“DON’T GIVE UP! I’M JUST AHEAD OF YOU! AND… I CAN SEE THE LIGHT!

KEEP WALKING, FRIEND! ONE STEP AT A TIME. DO YOU HEAR MY VOICE? YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

CRAWL IF YOU HAVE TO.

JUST DON’T QUIT.”

_________

You’re invited! Walk with me… :)

There are so many layers to this journey that God has laid it on my heart to share… So many details about the cure for particular clouds that I need to share. But, after over a decade of unapologetically over-sharing online… I know that I need something a bit more structured to be able to really bare the nitty-gritty journey my soul’s been on - the valleys and the mountain-tops. If you’re one of the people who wants to walk this road with me (bless your heart!) - to hear me out, and maybe even share your hard (if you like) too - I would LOVE to have you along!

So, I’ve opened up a NEW opportunity for us to go “ALL IN” together!!

You’re invited to become part of the fam! Your free subscription will still get you a post a month. But… a paid subscription will get you an extra TWO emails a month, full of real-world hope - and helping you focus on what truly matters most!!

Your support helps me make quality content and it allows me to focus more of my time writing what I’m called to share vs investing my time into other business ventures. (Plus… you’ll truly be one of my favorites!)

And, please know… in this season, it actually means the world to me and our little family.

Comment. Share. Subscribe. Go all in. EVERYTHING (& anything) helps! The choice is yours but no matter what you choose to do… please know, I am so so grateful you are even here. Let’s keep each other company - walking home together. :)